I have never done devotionals or journals in such an organized way before, so now's a good time to start!
Week 2 day 1:
I feel that my family is beyond God's power. I also feel that hardcore atheists, and those who believe that God is only for explaining things that science now explains, are beyond God's power. In short, I feel that God does not have power over those who put effort towards keeping Him out of their lives, or who put effort towards making God smaller. And they suffer greatly because God is not with them, but they do not realize how much they are suffering.
I want to see my Creator help me to feel love again, to help me be vulnerable, but also to protect me from those who are only interested in crushing me or exploiting me. I have had far too many experiences with those who only see me as a toy, an object, a doll, a robot that must be brought into their sphere of influence, and if I refuse to go into their sphere of influence then they will start using physical violence and social violence. I feel like I am also always being judged, especially by HR people who filter resumes. I lose sight of God as I focus so hard on trying to be pleasing to hiring managers and ultimately unauthentic. I want a chance to let down my guard - not just with God, but also with another woman. And I want my creator to assure me that He created me correctly. Sometimes it is very hard to believe that He created me to be anything other than an object of pity, of dependence, or of superficial admiration.
Right now, there are not too many people who I would say I feel anything resembling love towards. One of them is a girl named [REDACTED] who I met in college, but have never met since. That means that I haven't seen her for 5 years, but we still keep in e-mail contact sometimes. I want God to restore her, to strengthen her, to build her up into a faithful woman, to protect her from those who are not interested in her faith. I suppose I also feel love towards all my Resonate friends, and I want them to succeed, but I have much further to go before I think I will have anything resembling a spiritual vision for them.
I want God to shatter the suburban illusion that is on our city. I want God to tear open the hearts of everyone - including us Resonate people - and to smash the very ideas of complacency and security. I want God to take away false happiness, leaving only the true joy of receiving His grace and being blessed by Him. I want authentic and deep relationships to displace what we have now. I want God to make foolishness out of what initially seemed to be wise school districts and wise property values. I think that I am perhaps too confrontational and violent, for I am not certain that God feels the same way about the city that I do. I must seek God's heart in this matter.